In the last issue,
I wrote about
emotional intelligence (called EQ by some,
although technically EQ is the measurement
of emotional intelligence) - in particular, the
role a high EQ plays in separating the
successful from the ordinary or mediocre
performers.
Research indicates
that, of all the
EQ skills or "competencies", the three that
distinguish the best performers are:
-
Self
Awareness
-
Self
Management
-
Empathy
So what does
self awareness look like in practice?
Let's use me
as an example!
When I'm irritable
and short-tempered at home, despite my feelings
of frustration, I'm intrigued to follow the
thread of my thoughts and emotions, in an
attempt to understand what's at the bottom of my
bad mood. I confess that this is sometimes
an afterthought, once I've blown up or retreated
to my sulking corner!
My first level of
thinking is: "well, I'm not getting much help
around the place" (I'm a victim of something),
or "she sure knows how to push my buttons - she
persists in doing the things I know she knows
annoy me" (the thinking that becomes
increasingly convoluted and self-justifying!) or
"he's always on my case with that critical tone
of voice- I can never please him any more" (now
it's become generalized to "never" and
"always"). It's almost inspiring to see how many
reasons we can create to believe that "they",
others, are the source of the problem!
However, if I am
ruthless about striving for accurate self
assessment, I stop for a moment and do a
check-in.
I might remember
that I've slept poorly the last few nights and
I'm very tired; in an honest moment, I can see
that I am taking personally actions that have no
specific intention to wound or punish me; and I
even go so far as to recognize the trap of old
beliefs and behaviors from childhood
relationships by recreating or reliving old
personal "dramas".
As someone who has
a strong intellectual approach to life, I find
it both challenging and very valuable to include
a "body scan" as part of my check-in. What am I
truly noticing in my body - tight chest,
rapid breathing, heaviness around my heart area,
racing pulse, knotted stomach, sore neck,
clenched jaw, leaden legs?
The key
questions I ask myself are:
What emotion(s)
am I feeling right now? Can I name
it/them?
What am I reacting to?
What part of this issue do I own?
What is really bothering me?
The key skills
I need to develop are:
Recognizing
when I'm becoming defensive
Recognizing when my thoughts are becoming
"negative" or unproductive
Recognizing the "triggers" that cause my
mood to change
Naming my emotions AND the impact they're
having somewhere in my body.
Despite the
simplicity of what I have described and
prescribed here, most people struggle to capture
just what it is they are feeling in the moment
and to understand why they might be feeling that
way. They are the folks with a short fuses, the
whiners and complainers, the ones who go silent
and either simmer or go numb inside, or the
chronically anxious. Or they may just be you, or
me, underperforming as family members, friends,
parents, leaders, teachers and designers of our
own lives!
Self awareness
is difficult, and it is the vital
foundation for the two other top EQ skills
of self management and empathy - it isn't good
enough just to know and even understand what is
going on inside. The real value derives from
being able to put this competency into action in
the context of a relationship.
In the next two issues of "Roots and Wings", I
will share thoughts and insights about self
management and empathy.
I would welcome
your comments or observations by e-mail to
pkennealy@oyaconsulting.com!
Oya
News
The year is
settling into something resembling a
pattern, with little to remark on, other
that I have set aside one day a week devoted
to business development. No client work,
almost no administrative tasks - just pure
creative thinking AND action steps to
accomplish the goals I am coming up with. I
am both thrilled and amazed to discover how
much I love this day and how productive I
have become.
I would highly
recommend carving out even a few hours a week or
a month to devote to professional and personal
growth projects, and then keeping that time
sacred. You'll be astonished at how this
block of thinking time starts to generate new
insights and ideas that hit in the middle of a
shower, a drive to work, or preparing dinner.
Imagine discovering your particular
"genius" and putting it to work for you, to
create the results you really want.
If 2006 seems ripe with possibility
but you can't quite figure out what that is,
contact
me,
for a complimentary 40-minute coaching
consultation.
Don Maruska,
author of
How Great Decisions Get Made (Ten easy steps
for reaching agreement on even the toughest
issues), has been CEO of three start up
companies and a management consultant to
national and international businesses. In his
book, he outlines ten steps to excellent
decision-making, when more than one person is
involved in or impacted by the decision.
The steps, which
are disarmingly simple, include:
1) enlist everyone who has some knowledge
or something to say
about the decision at stake
2) discover shared hopes rather than
differing problems
3) uncover and name the real issues
4) identify all options
5) gather all the correct information
6) get everything on the table - all
potential negatives and positives
7) write down choices that support the
shared hopes
8) map the solutions - tabulate results
to sort out options and seek to improve the best
options
9) look ahead - have a back-up plan and
ways to check on how the selected solution
performs
10) stay charged up - use celebration and
encouragement.
What adds great
value to the book is a description of what each
step looks like in action (case studies and
examples), what the keys are to succeeding with
each step, and how to put each step into
practice. Part Three focuses on six strategies
for overcoming obstacles such as lack of time,
lack of authority, and lack of prior example.
At it's core, this
book is about maintaining an attitude of HOPE,
instead of allowing fear or cynicism erode the
best intentions of a group or team.
Please
forward this newsletter to a client, friend,
relative or acquaintance that might enjoy
reading it.
Philippa Kennealy MD MPH CPCC
President, Oya Consulting
Philippa Kennealy is an Executive and
Professional Coach and Professional Speaker, dedicated to your professional
and personal success and fulfillment.
To
schedule an initial FR*EE consultation, to learn
more, or to inquire about having her speak to
your group or organization, contact her at:
pkennealy@oyaconsulting.com
or
click here.
SHARE THE WEALTH
If you enjoy this newsletter and want others to
benefit, please forward this copy to family,
friends or colleagues. I truly appreciate your
loyalty and interest.
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