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Oya's Newsletter: "Roots & Wings"
April 2005: Volume 2, Issue 4.
Newsletter
Archive
Written &
Published by Philippa Kennealy, MD, MPH, CPCC
Contents
The
Knack of Requesting - How to Ask Nicely for What
You Want
On
Track: Storytelling - How
to Author an Authentic Story for Your Life or
Your Business
Oya News
Recommended
Reading
for Clients on the Move Welcome
Note
Welcome
to new "Roots and Wings" readers this
month! Please share this resource with anyone
you feel might enjoy reading it.
Coaching
involves making requests of clients. It's how we
create accountability, in partnership. I have
learned from coaching that making requests
is a true skill, so here are some solid tips I can
share to help you shape the process, and the
outcome, of the request.
What happens to
your listening skills when your kid
whines?
How much attention are you willing to give to a demanding
client or patient?
And how annoyed do you get when your spouse
fails to follow through, when you assumed he or
she would?
A well-made
request has a simple elegance to it. It states
your desire, it doesn't sink under the weight of
justifications, and it creates enough space for
negotiation. Anything else is whining, hard to
figure out, apologetic, or a demand!
How's this
sound? "I need you to finish this project
by this evening, because, if you don't, I will
be in hot water with my boss, and then I'll have
to sit and listen to him chew me out, and then
you'll have to come in early tomorrow...blah,
blah, blah". Haven't you switched off
already?
The artful
request is: "Will you please get this
project done by the time you leave this
evening?"
Now, it becomes
clear what you need and by when, there are no
extraneous justifications or apologies to annoy
the person you are addressing, and he or she can
respond "Yes", or "No", or
propose a counteroffer. It is the ability to
have this room for negotiation that separates a
request from a demand.
A demand is a requirement
that leaves no room for negotiation. And, if
indeed, you are demanding something, you need to
make that obvious. "Will you put on your
seatbelt please? I won't begin driving until you
have it on" is a clear, polite command for
action.
So the process
of making a skillful request is:
1. Be clear
in your own mind what you need or want.
2. Ask:
"Will you.....?" and keep it
short and simple!
3. Be sure
that there is room for the respondent to
negotiate with you. If not, let the person
know this is a demand - it's non-negotiable!
4. No
whining, making convoluted excuses or
apologies for asking, and no making
assumptions that the respondent can read your
mind.
And the outcome
possibilities are:
1. The
respondent says "Yes, sure!"
2. The
respondent says "No way!"
3. The
respondent says "I can't do that, but how
would it be if I ...?"
Using these
guidelines, you'll be amazed how much easier it
is to get what you want - and if you don't get
it, at least you'll know where you stand!
Are
you interested in deepening these and other
communication or interpersonal skills? For a free 40-minute coaching meeting, contact
me.
On
Track: Storytelling - How to Author the
Authentic Story of Your Life or Your Business
Who loves
listening to a good story? I know my toddler
does! The way she sits on my lap, paying close
attention to the words, pictures and the cadence
of my voice, transports me back to my own
book-filled childhood.
Last week, I
attended a workshop on "Claiming Our
Stories - The Gifts of Personal Mythology"
and I'd like to share the key message with you.
Most world
cultures use their myths or stories as a way of
teaching and illustrating points about life.
From a storyteller's perspective, our lives are
viewed as journeys, with plot complications
adding to the sense of drama and comedy.
As central
characters in our own lives, we are subject to character
development that is very often unexpected. As
much as we are central characters, we are also the
authors of the story. We work within the
constraints of our "patterns of strengths
and weaknesses" to shape our own destinies
by the choices we make.
In these myths
and stories, fate is that which is going
to unfold and is something bigger than each of
us. Our destinies involve choice and our
ability to make the most of our potential.
This is as much
true for organizations and businesses as it is
for individuals.
Why should we
be telling stories? Because they capture
people's attention, arouse emotional responses
that create connection, and drive the point home
that you are trying to make.
In reflecting
on your life (or your business) as a story, you
might find these questions helpful:
1. What have the
critical events of your life been? As a child?
As an adolescent? As an adult? (or the
organizational equivalent?)
2. Who or
what have been the major influences on your
life?
3. If your
life were to have a title, or a theme, what
would it be? What do you want it
to be?
4. How
does the plot unfold? How do you, as the hero
of your own story, evolve? What ending you want
your story to have?
Remember, you
are as much the author of your story as you are
the hero. Awareness of your life as a story
awakens you to your role in writing the outcome!
My
upcoming
presentations
this month include "Demon
Busters - How to Stop the Inner Critic from
Holding You Back", "Heartful Leadership™
- How
to Elicit High Employee Performance using
Coaching Skills" and "Rising From the Ashes: How to Prevent and Deal with
Professional Burnout".
If
your organization is sponsoring a special
event, please contact
me to give a presentation or a workshop,
so that I can make your event a
success.
I
found the narrative style of Leadership and
Self-Deception - Getting out of the Box, by The
Arbinger Institute, annoying at first, until I
found myself drawn to wanting to know what
happened next each time I put the book down.
Related
as an encounter between a senior manager and his
boss in a fictitious company, the book tackles
the subject of self-deception in professional
and personal relationships. It is hard not to
squirm with recognition at the descriptions of
deep-seated attitudes that we harbor, so as not
to face the truth about our judgmental
natures.
We
are "in the box" when we relate to
others as objects to be manipulated to suit our
needs or desires, or when they are the
ones that have to change. We are "out of
the box" when we see others as human as we
are, with the same needs, desires, pains and
joys.
More
important than our outward manifestations (our
behavior) is our "way of being". When
our way of being is to resist others, we provoke
resistance and have a hard time getting them to
listen or change. When we are responsive to
others, we invite responsiveness in turn, and
have a better chance of influencing them
positively.
I
encourage you to read the book if you want
greater insight into how your fundamental way of
being affects others.
Please
forward this newsletter to a client, friend,
relative or acquaintance that might enjoy
reading it.
Philippa Kennealy MD MPH CPCC
The Vision Realization Process™
President, Oya Consulting
Dr. Philippa Kennealy is an Executive and
Personal Coach, dedicated to your professional
and personal success and fulfillment. To
schedule an initial FR*EE consultation, to learn
more, or to inquire about having her speak to
your group or organization, contact her at:
pkennealy@oyaconsulting.com or
click here.
SHARE THE WEALTH
If you enjoy this newsletter and want others to
benefit, please forward this copy to family,
friends or colleagues. I truly appreciate your
loyalty and interest.
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