In the last issue, I wrote about the emotional intelligence skill of self-awareness. Just a reminder - the three emotional intelligence skills that have been demonstrated to have the greatest impact on our professional success are:

• Self Awareness

• Self Management

• Empathy

Now that you know about self awareness (what do I know about myself?), let's figure out what self-management really means (what do I do with what I know about myself?).  

I'm sure you've encountered people who cut you down with sarcasm, throw things when they are frustrated, and sulk for days after a verbal skirmish. These are examples of people with a poorly developed capacity for self-management.

Self-management is all about that split second! About how you rapidly figure out your emotional reactions to events and then choose  to react.

If you are hopping mad, you decide whether the situation calls for you to express your anger, and if so, how to do it. If someone hurts your feelings, you choose whether to let them know, and what language you'll use for that communication.

Self-management applies equally to situations in which you would under-react as you might overreact.

Let's imagine you are prone to yelling at others when you are frustrated. When you develop the skill of self-management, you learn to count under your breath to ten, take two deep breaths and then express your annoyance in a calmer voice. You might use words such as "I am really frustrated at present because I am not seeing such-and-such a result", instead of "You blithering idiot! Why didn't you get this project done on time?"

Now, let's imagine your tendency is to withdraw into heavy silence, the tension of which can be cut with a knife. Effective self-management asks that you speak up, and let the other person know how you feel, again using the "I" language. "I felt hurt by your saying blah blah blah. It made me think I wasn't being respected" (note, I didn't say "made me feel I wasn't respected". The "feel" word needs to be followed by a true feeling word such as "sad", angry", happy", "irritated", "scared").

The goal of self-management is to promote effective and productive interactions that move the action along, not impede it. It's all about getting desirable results that both or all of you can feel good about.

On a purely intrapersonal level, self-management is about managing your self-talk. When you're caught up in an inner dialog that is self-critical or self-defeating, the self-management skills become those of:

• reality-testing ("what am I assuming or believing, instead of knowing to be factually true?),

• choosing to see the glass half full

• maintaining a sensible perspective, instead of "catastrophizing" (choosing "I goofed up today and next time I'll have to pay more attention" instead of "I'm always goofing up - I'm such a disaster. I'll never get it right").

In order to develop these skills, you will benefit from having another caring person whom you trust enough to ask for help. Ask them to point out your emotional flares or withdrawals, and request that they let you practice your new technique. Old habits are hard to break and you'll need some support getting there!

In the next issue of "Roots and Wings", I'll address the third and final  EQ topic of empathy. And then you'll have no excuses!

I would welcome your comments or observations by e-mail to pkennealy@oyaconsulting.com!

Oya News

May is a busy month for presentations - I will be doing a 2-hour workshop on "Knockout Networking", serving as a panelist for "Gutsy Women and Savvy Entrepreneurs: A Women's Career Event", and speaking to a networking group of women entrepreneurs on "Avoiding Professional Burnout".

I have also embarked on creating an additional line of business with a new website and coaching focus - providing a library of resources and coaching to teach physicians to thrive as entrepreneurs. The business will be called "The Entrepreneurial MD". It will also include my first effort at blogging, which makes me feel ever so 21st century! I plan to be up and running by August 1. For now, as I create content, I am having a huge amount of fun recording interviews with a fascinating array of physicians who have achieved something entrepreneurial.

If you know of any physicians who have built businesses in small or big ways, please introduce me to them. I'd love to learn about their accomplishments.

And if you have gotten this far into 2006 and feel like the year is slipping by without you being as effective as you would like to be, contact me, for a complimentary 40-minute coaching consultation.  

Recommended Reading for Clients on the Move

I have been recommending David Allen's book Getting Things Done to a lot of clients recently. The common theme for each client seems to be too much clutter (both physically and in their brains), not enough time, and feeling overwhelmed by the idea of getting organized and in control! Where do I start? is the plaintive cry.

Fast Company describes Allen as "the personal productivity guru" and, in his book, he describes his proven methods for getting a handle on all those pesky pieces of paper, those nagging incomplete tasks or projects, and those vague ideas floating about in your head that never actually take form.

At its core, his message is about how you manage your actions. He is a huge believer in capturing and organizing all the "stuff" (his word!) that drowns our productivity and creativity, into a minimum of five lists:

1. Projects list: those desired results that require more than one action step. These tend to be high-level, like write a book, plan a vacation.

2. Next Actions list: the much smaller actions that could be completed in a short time, such as create chapter outline, write five pages, call travel agent, look on internet for hotels.

3. Waiting-for list: all those items for which you are dependent on someone else to complete their bit. Examples might be editor to get back to me with first draft comments, waiting to hear from agent re book proposal, travel agent is researching island vacation options.

4. Time- or day-specific lists: these are appointments, or commitments to actions on specific days, such as meeting with editor at 3 PM on Friday, or get back to travel agent on Monday next week. These usually exist on a calendar.

5. Someday/maybe lists: for all of you dreamers, this is either a source of frustration or inspiration! Write a book, or take a three month sabbatical in Italy belong here.

Each list can have sub-titles, depending on your needs and degree of life complexity.

The logical actions then become: Do It, Delegate It or Defer It, and he has created a useful workflow chart that you can obtain at no cost on his informative website, along with a slew of other useful ideas and tools.

The final key to your personal renaissance lies with a Weekly Review in which you revisit all your lists, update them, populate them with the new "stuff" that has cropped up and repeat the cycle of Collect, Process and Organize. Meaty stuff if you can get serious about it!

Please forward this newsletter to a client, friend, relative or acquaintance that might enjoy reading it.

Philippa Kennealy MD MPH CPCC
President, Oya Consulting

Philippa Kennealy is an Executive and Professional Coach and Professional Speaker, dedicated to your professional and personal success and fulfillment.
To schedule an initial FR*EE consultation, to learn more, or to inquire about having her speak to your group or organization, contact her at: pkennealy@oyaconsulting.com
or click here.

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